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Topics - Dan Farnell
1
« on: April 07, 2024, 08:36:36 PM »
Chicago gets: Odilio Pilar (AAA)
Havana gets: Chicago's 2148 1st and 2nd round picks
2
« on: March 29, 2024, 03:27:16 PM »
Tokyo gets: Hipolito Grelha, Oukesson Ukiru, $2m
Havana gets: Tokyo's 2148 2nd round pick
3
« on: February 21, 2024, 02:34:55 PM »
nairobi gets: Pete Martin, Phil "Hangover" Mangan
havana gets: Nairobi's 2147 3rd round pick
4
« on: February 17, 2024, 09:52:09 PM »
Melbourne gets: Ivan “Meter Man” Gonzalez
Havana gets: Melbourne’s 2146 3rd round pick
5
« on: February 16, 2024, 06:15:54 PM »
Tokyo gets: Kei-thing Shang (havana retains 75% of remaining salary)
Havana gets: Tokyo’s 2147 2nd and 4th
6
« on: February 11, 2024, 04:33:47 PM »
Havana gets: Louis Carrington
Beijing gets: $1500 cold hard cash
7
« on: February 04, 2024, 02:01:49 PM »
Havana gets: Chicago's 2146 4th round pick
Chicago gets: $1.75m
History of the WBA and the course of two great franchises forever altered.
8
« on: January 23, 2024, 01:23:42 PM »
Tokyo Gets: Cipriano Sanchez and Yoshifusa Hasegawa
Havana Gets: Eshgin Metrovelli (AAA), Feliciano Bartoccini (just drafted, can re-post after draft populates if that's better), Tokyo's 2146 1st and 3rd round picks
9
« on: January 20, 2024, 10:45:21 AM »
Melbourne gets: Gualter "Weasel" Bonito
Havana gets: Odilio Pilar (A), Adrian Rodriguez (AA), Melbourne's 2146 1st round pick
Miss you Beautiful Weasel
10
« on: December 10, 2023, 07:38:13 PM »
HAV gets: diya al din, Pete Martin, $2.2m
GG gets: gabir Ansari, Jovan kordic, HAV’s 2145 4th and 5th round picks
11
« on: December 05, 2023, 08:31:48 AM »
LA gets: Salif Mtangulizi (AAA)
HAV gets: LA's 2145 3rd round pick
12
« on: November 02, 2023, 01:54:21 PM »
Havana gets: $4m
Santo Domingo gets: Havana's 2144 (or whatever year it is right now) 4th and 5th round picks
13
« on: August 25, 2023, 03:18:15 PM »
CHI gets: Ritter Loheit
HAV gets: CHI 2145 2nd round pick
14
« on: August 17, 2023, 07:53:56 PM »
Hav gets: Hansl Buckholz, Oslo retaining 100% of salary
Oslo gets: HAV’s 2144 3rd
15
« on: August 16, 2023, 09:39:02 AM »
Nairobi gets: Urtilan Cheromei (just drafted)
Havana gets: $9m
16
« on: July 08, 2023, 03:18:21 PM »
Hav gets: qian-fu luo
mel gets: Nairobi's '43 3rd from hav
huck if you can please send yin-reng chen to aaa and toss luo into my pen as mid rel
17
« on: June 28, 2023, 07:32:15 AM »
Nairobi gets: Antonio Lancha
Havana gets: Nairobi's 2143 3rd round pick
18
« on: March 29, 2023, 08:25:28 AM »
Chicago gets: Kunz Kuhlberg (AAA), HAV will retain 100% of salary
Havana gets: Chicago’s 2142 2nd
19
« on: March 02, 2023, 04:59:10 PM »
SD gets: Havana’s 2143 3rd
HAV gets: Ritter Loheit
20
« on: January 30, 2023, 06:45:19 PM »
Havana gets: Christian Blanchard
Mexico City gets: Havana's 2141 3rd and 4th round picks, Tokyo's 2142 2nd round pick (via Havana), and Beijing's 2142 1st round pick (via Havana)
21
« on: January 18, 2023, 06:25:41 PM »
Havana gets: Tokyo's 2142 2nd round pick
Tokyo gets: Kazmierz "Dump Truck" Bonski
Good luck Dump Truck
22
« on: December 26, 2022, 07:26:35 PM »
El Paso gets: HAV’s whole 2142 draft
Havana gets: Cipriano Sanchez
23
« on: December 24, 2022, 08:38:41 AM »
Havana gets: BEI's 2142 1st round pick
Beijing gets: Gilles "Walrus" Solari
24
« on: December 20, 2022, 01:57:06 PM »
Havana gets: Mario Chavez, C
PR gets: Havana's 2141 1st and 2nd round picks
25
« on: October 15, 2022, 03:35:57 PM »
Havana gets: Mun-Wah Guo
Santo Domingo gets: HAV's 2140 4th
26
« on: October 14, 2022, 05:55:46 PM »
Havana gets: Ocampo (reliever, sorry I’m not by my computer)
Daegu gets: John Flowers (AA pretty sure, reliever), HAV’s 2140 5th
27
« on: September 05, 2022, 06:46:37 PM »
Havana gets: George Lewis
NW gets: Haden Chapman (AAA), my 2139 5th
28
« on: August 27, 2022, 08:27:37 PM »
Tokyo gets: poldermans (aaa), romano (aaa), cheng (aaa), chin (RP, AA), my 2140 3rd
Havana gets: $1
29
« on: August 09, 2022, 10:52:15 AM »
Phoenix gets: Lee Hensley
Hava gets: Zhi-Qiang Chin (R), Phoenix's 2140 5th round pick
30
« on: August 07, 2022, 10:09:19 PM »
Havana gets: John Thomas
Melbourne gets: Havana's 2139 4th, Havana's 2140 2nd
31
« on: August 05, 2022, 11:23:29 AM »
Havana gets: Sascha "Schhhhhhh" Schenk
Nairobi gets: Nicolai Kalyaev (AAA), Havana's 2139 2nd and 3rd round picks
32
« on: August 04, 2022, 12:01:42 PM »
Beijing gets: $1
Havana gets: Mostafa Ali
33
« on: July 07, 2022, 10:20:16 AM »
Daegu gets: $13m
Havana gets: Tokyo's 2138 1st round pick, Daegu's 2138 4th and 5th round picks
I love to draft
34
« on: June 23, 2022, 08:14:33 PM »
Havana gets: Ray Webb (R)
Melbourne gets: Phil Mangan (AAA)
35
« on: June 22, 2022, 10:57:05 AM »
Havana gets: Haden Chapman (AA)
Beijing gets: Itbir Dini
36
« on: June 16, 2022, 02:24:00 PM »
Havana Gets: Dolphins legend Juan Bojórquez
Tokyo Gets: Havana's 2138 3rd round pick
37
« on: May 30, 2022, 08:15:58 PM »
Havana gets: Lien Ngoc
Black Forest gets: HAV's 2138 2nd round pick
38
« on: May 21, 2022, 10:03:18 PM »
Havana gets: Yat-Sen Cheng
Melbourne gets: Havana's 2137 2nd round pick.
Always good doing business with professionals like bob.
39
« on: February 20, 2022, 09:41:04 AM »
Havana gets: Antonio Silva and Tokyo's 2136 5th round pick
Tokyo gets: a big hug and a firm handshake and $1USD.
40
« on: March 27, 2021, 07:38:48 PM »
SP gets: Subhadra Sandipan (AAA)
HAV gets: Alexander "Of" de San Miguel (AAA)
41
« on: March 26, 2021, 08:57:57 AM »
HAVANA -- My bad, readers. Should have had an update for you on this, like, the day it happened. I've been busy working on a pitch to Netflix about a self-directed biopic about myself. It's been a lot of work.
Anyway, the Dolphins hired Abilio Boye as skipper. Reached for comment, Boye said, "Dan you can't just text me, 'Give me a quote for my article.' You have to ask me a question or at least point me in a certain direction...... Dan?.... Dan our relationship is important to me, and this kind of unprofessional behavior sends a message that you do not value it similarly, and that hurts my feelings.... Dan?.... Fine, Dan. Whatever. Tell em I say I'm honored to remain on with the Dolphins as manager. We have an exciting mix of veteran leadership and talented young players, and I am looking forward to helping this group come together to live up to its full potential."
Dan Farnell
42
« on: July 10, 2020, 10:12:43 AM »
MELBOURNE -- Rookie sensation Hung-k’uei He has taken the IBL by storm this April. In 3 starts for his Melbourne Meteors he has tallied 20.2 innings, 17 strikeouts, and a 3-0 record. His ERA stands at a sparkling 0.44. Given the young hurler’s success, one might be forgiven for assuming that his presence has led only to positive feelings among the Melbourne coaching staff. But that assumption would be incorrect. According to multiple sources close to the club, tempers flared in a coaches’ only meeting preceding He’s most recent start. The following is a transcription of the conversation that was had in that meeting.  Hung-k’uei He MANAGER: We need to win this game today, fellas. Who we got pitchin’ for us today? PITCHING COACH: I’m feeling great about today’s game. He’s starting for us, and he has looked amazing in his side sessions all week. M: That’s great to hear. And who is it that’s gonna be starting for us today? PC: He’s pitching for us today, skip. M: Who is? PC: Who? Who’s that? There’s no Who on this team? M: Of course there’s no Who on this team! But I’m asking you what is the name of the pitcher that’s starting today? PC: Don’t take a tone with me, pal. I already told you. He’s pitching today. M: And what’s his name? PC: He M: What’s he name? You need a grammar lesson, pal. It’s his. PC: Oh so now I’m an idiot? Now I can’t speak the language? Listen asshole, I’m trying to tell you a simple fact about today’s game, and you’re flying into hysterics. He. Is. Starting! M: Who? PC: There’s no Who on the team! M: Ok. Ok. Let’s just take a deep breath. Listen. I’m sorry for getting angry before. I didn’t mean to insult you. You’re doing a fine job with our staff. I simply wanna know something about the guy that’s pitching for us today. Who is he? PC: The pitcher M: Exactly PC: Exactly M: Exactly! Wait, the pitcher? What do you mean? PC: Yeah. He’s the pitcher. Exactly M: Ok. And let’s say you wanna get the pitcher’s attention. Maybe you wanna show him a new grip. Whaddaya say to get him to come over to you? PC: I’d say come look at this new grip I wanna show ya. M: God dammit! Don’t get smart with me! I could put you through that window motherfucker! PC: You know what, I’ve had just about enough of this. I don’t need to take this shit from you, pal. I’m gonna go take a walk. Anything you need from me you tell Bench Coach to bring it to my attention. M: Good! Leave! Maybe Bench Coach can tell me who the hell is pitching for us today. PC: He’s pitching! M: The bench coach? He’s 67 years old! How the fuck is he gonna get anybody out?! PC: You know you should really go talk to someone, pal. You’re losing it, man. You’re seriously fucking losing it. I’m outta here. *** At press time, it is unclear whether the pitching coach intends to return to the team. It also remains to be seen how this internal strife will affect the Melbourne Meteors moving forward. Reached for comment, Meteors GM Melbourne - Bob said, “Dan, there's a lot of confusion here. I haven't actually heard the transcript yet. That thing you played for me might have been faked, or I could have misheard. I'm not going to comment further at this point.” This writer only hopes for a solution that preserves the young career of this promising arm. Hopefully, He will be able to ignore the controversy now swirling around He. If he is able to remain focused through this adversity, then He will be sending a message to the WBA that, as the old US Army recruiting slogan goes, he is going to be all that He can be. Hehe. -Dan Farnell
43
« on: July 01, 2020, 08:16:02 PM »
AT SEA -- Every day there’s a story at the ballpark. I’m lucky enough to have been able to tell some of those stories. Sometimes a team comes from behind to win. Sometimes a rookie gets the big hit. Sometimes the manager comes out and yells at the umpire. This story isn’t like any of the others I’ve ever written. It’s a baseball story. And it’s a story of bosses and workers, crooked politicians, intrigue, and much more. It’s a story the likes of which I never expected to witness, much less record. And it starts out where all the greatest stories start out. In a dumpster.
A baseball journalist rarely needs to do much digging. Most of the information is quite literally out in the open. How many batters a guy struck out is public record, and the scribe is usually there to watch it alongside tens of thousands of others. But a story about baseball business is a little different. Men keep secrets and tell lies. To get to the bottom of it, I found I had to dig, literally, through Abilio Boye’s garbage.
Now, normally I would not resort to such desperate measures. I never have before, and I’m very hopeful I will never feel the need to do such a thing again. But Boye’s death stuck in my mind like a nail driven into cement. I couldn’t let it go. I couldn’t sleep. I was driven by a need to know as much as I possibly could -- to put myself in his shoes, in his eyes, in his thoughts. And so I went to his house. And I saw the dumpster outside. And I climbed in instinctually, the way a baby turtle marches toward the sea. And I dug around for whatever I could find.
What I found was shocking. Private communications between Boye and GM Jake clearly indicated that Boye had massive influence over nearly every aspect of the Dolphins’ front office strategy. There were scouting reports, draft notes, budgeting plans, discussions of in-game strategy, and more. I took the documents with me and sat down to write a story of Boye’s outsized influence over the general manager. That’s when I realized something was not right. There were notes on in-game strategy that ran entirely counter to managerial logic. There were scouting reports that seemed entirely divorced from the player’s actual skillset. I studied the letters. I pinned them to a bulletin and drew lines connecting various aspects. I drank whiskey. I smoked cigarettes. And as the sun came up through my kitchen window, I fell asleep with my forehead resting on top of an ash-tray.
I’m a pretty straight laced fellow. I have, heretofore, approached all claims regarding spirituality with what I have regarded as a healthy dose of skepticism. People would say to me, “Everything happens for a reason.” And I would nod slightly while thinking to myself, “Does it? Does it really?” Where others see divine intervention, I see coincidence. This is all to say that I am in all cases inclined to explain the unexplainable through earthly, rather than supernatural, means.
But that morning I dreamed as I have never dreamed before. Of the sea. Of Dolphins. Of escape. And I awoke knowing just what I must do.
I gathered my things. I took nothing that could not fit in the pockets of my slacks and my coat. I stepped out my door and looked back at my lonely studio apartment, knowing that this may be the last time I saw the place. I laughed to myself. And then I realized. I could see! All I’d known had been darkness since the day that elective eye surgery had ended my pitching career and begun my career in letters. But now I saw clearly, just as I had before that day. I muttered to myself the phrase, “Well I’ll be darned.” I walked back into the apartment and poured whiskey into a flask, then I tucked that flask into my coat pocket and walked out the door. I didn’t even bother to lock it as I left.
Even though I’d only been to the marina once before, my walk was as familiar to me as my route to the ballpark. I suppose an invite aboard Jorge Lopez’s yacht, The Grandmother, sticks with a man, even subconsciously. I found that I even remembered at which particular pier and which particular dock the vessel could be found. As just about anyone who has lost their vision will do, I have, over the past few decades, read stories about people who have regained the gift of sight. I dreamed of it happening to me. I thought about all the things I’d stop to look at, a bird in flight, a flower in bloom. But on my walk to the yacht I looked straight ahead. There would be time to observe nature, I thought. That time would come after this business was settled.
I recognized the ship’s guard from the last time I had come aboard. He and I had swapped recipes that night. I described to him how Mother makes her famous Farnell Flapjacks, and he gave me a recipe for corned beef hash. Naturally, we chatted for a time about our experiences with each other’s recipes (both quite positive), then I told him I’d been instructed to come aboard the ship to drop off a copy of my latest article for Mr. Lopez’s approval. The guard was accustomed to such arrangements with journalists and waved me aboard with little hesitation. I went below deck into a storage room close to the ship’s entrance, and I hid there.
After a few hours, I saw a figure I’d imagined thousands of times before. But as he approached the ship, I saw that he was more beautiful in living color than he had ever been in my mind’s eye. Standing there before me, standing 6’6” tall with an unmistakable blonde moustache, was Pat Vinson. He carried a large briefcase. He spoke to the guard and informed him that he had come to deliver documents to Mr. Lopez. The guard had been expecting him and waved him aboard. Vinson left the briefcase in Mr. Lopez’s quarters, then exited the ship. As he did, the guard’s steely facade collapsed.
“Mr. Vinson. God I’m so sorry to do this, but I’d really love an autograph for my son. He’s a huge fan of yours. We both are really.”
Vinson smiled and told the man that he had a bat in his car that he could sign for the boy. He asked the guard to follow him to the parking lot, so he could retrieve it. Together they walked out of sight.
What I witnessed next was a maneuver that was executed with surgical precision and lightning speed. Mere moments after Vinson and the guard stepped off of the pier, men began to emerge from hiding spots all over the marina. Abilio Boye led a group that had been submerged under a neighboring vessel in full wetsuits and snorkels. Shang-de Foong offered men a hand as they boarded The Grandmother. Within seconds, and without making a sound, the entire Dolphins active roster had boarded the ship. Vinson sprinted up the dock to meet Boye at the ship’s entrance.
“Did you take care of the guard?” Boye asked.
“He agreed he would take a nap in my car and tell the cops he’d been drugged. We’re all good there. Let’s get out of here,” said Vinson.
“Wait. He’s not here.”
“Of course he’s not here, Abilio. He’s not coming. We’ve all been trying to tell you this. We have to go.”
“Shhh,” said Boye. “I hear him.”
And then I heard it too. A motorboat approaching the yacht.
“I told you,” said Boye.
The driver of the motorboat idled it expertly right next to the ship. I heard the sound of three men hopping aboard. Then I heard a familiar voice. One I’d interviewed more times than I could remember.
“Sorry I’m late,” said GM Jake. There he stood, just absolutely jacked as fuck, wearing a super cool leather jacket, super badass sunglasses that he removed with a flourish before every line of dialogue he spoke, and old school jeans like Patrick Swayze might wear in, like, Dirty Dancing or Roadhouse or something like that, but with, like, an ass that just would not quit, like, even compared to Swayze’s. He removed his sunglasses again and said, “I couldn’t leave without my top 3 prospects, Truckstop Hoad, Juan Bojorquez, and Jacopo Manelli. As you know,” he said, removing his sunglasses again, “We have one of the best farm systems in the WBA.”
“Better late than never,” said Boye as he and his GM embraced in a super manly hug like you might see in Lethal Weapon or something.
With everyone aboard, Boye took control of the ship. He hollered commands and his teammates followed them like seasoned Naval officers. Within minutes we were in motion, within an hour we’d left the harbor. Within two hours, I’d been caught.
Hiding in a storage space is very uncomfortable, and storage spaces very rarely have bathrooms. I really had to go, so I tried to sneak through a hallway unseen in order to use the facilities. I should have knocked on the bathroom door, but I didn’t. I just opened it like a fool, and there on the toilet sat Jaime Cavazos reading a collection of Angela Davis essays. I apologized for barging in on him, but that didn’t stop him from yelling things like “Stowaway!” and “Pinkerton Spy!” Soon I’d been dragged before Boye and Jake.
They set about interrogating me, assuming that I was working for Lopez. But old Dan had a little trick up his sleeve. I had something they could use to bring EVILCORP to its knees, and I let them know that. They eased up on me pretty quick, and I told them that I had years and years of private communications of EVILCORP brass going all the way to the top. I told them that they could be privy to all of that information as soon as they chilled the fuck out and told me the plan. And so they did.
They told me that they’d been training the entire offseason for the heist of the century. But unlike most heists, the thing they were stealing... was themselves. They were stealing the Dolphins. They were taking the team to Havana, Cuba, where they knew they would be received warmly by the Communist and baseball-crazed government. They had been assured that the team’s employees would be able to own and operate the club as a worker self-directed enterprise. I asked them what they would do when Lopez declared the team illegal and attempted to establish a legitimate Dolphins in the Galapagos Islands. They told me that they’d been assured by WBAPA president Falco Venema that the union would be issuing a blanket statement refusing to ever play for Lopez again. They hoped this would be enough to prevent WBA from recognizing the Galapagos Island Dolphins.
Once I was satisfied with the details of the scheme, I reached into one of the many pockets of my cargo slacks and pulled out a floppy disc that contained all the most damning secrets in EVILCORP history. Probably not enough to put Jorge Lopez behind bars, but probably enough to prompt the WBA to fully sever ties with him. I even began to reach out to some contacts at La Tribuna de la Habana who I thought might like to publish the information. Abilio Boye told me I had done a good job!
And so we sailed on. To Havana. To a new day. To a future free of any owner except the laborer himself. And of all these great things, most of all, we said on... to Baseball.
44
« on: June 18, 2020, 10:08:38 AM »
BUENOS AIRES -- The WBACS has ended, and with it the truce between all parties involved in the Dolphins saga. Jorge Lopez has struck first to end the armistice. The morning after the Northwest Emeralds celebrated their championship, Lopez issued an ultimatum to the tens of thousands of protesters occupying what they had deemed the Dolphins Stadium Autonomous Zone (DSAZ): leave, or be demolished along with the stadium at midnight. Most left, but thousands stayed. In the evening hours, the demolition crews began to arrive. Protesters met them at the stadium gates with chants of Bo-ye Bo-ye. Roughly half of the demolition workers are said to have broken ranks and joined the DSAZ, but reinforcements were called in.  Rebellion Icon Abilio Boye “It is well known that Jorge Lopez has in his employ countless mercenaries from a firm called Whitewater,” said EVILCORP expert Rodolfo Guzman. “Officially they are employed as river rafting guides, and while they do conduct rafting tours, lovely ones actually I must say, I just took the wife and kids and just cannot say enough good things; they have also been called into many of EVILCORP’s conflicts as muscle. Many of the demolition crew workers in the videos I have seen from the protests are known ‘Whitewater “Guides.”’ The “demolition crew” made an announcement at 11:30pm that the demolition would proceed as scheduled at midnight. None of the protesters left. At 11:57, protesters linked arms and sang “La Internacional.” At 12, the stadium was demolished. By 12:10, the smoke had cleared and all that remained was rubble. Rubble that Lopez is refusing to clear. Early estimates put the total dead between 4,000-6,000, making it the deadliest event in Argentina’s history that I am aware of, which doesn’t mean a lot because I don’t know much about Argentina’s history. But it’s gotta be up there. Protesters have now begun circulating petitions calling for Lopez to be prosecuted for murder, but as yet such demands have gained little traction within the political power structure. GM Jake said, “I’m torn on this one. On the one hand, I think it’s unfortunate that so many people got exploded like that. On the other hand, the stadium is the property of Mr. Lopez, and the protesters were, ya know, technically trespassing. I just don’t know. I’m conflicted!” Abilio Boye was much less conflicted, saying, “This man and all others like him must be crushed and defeated. One day these heroic martyrs will be remembered as having died in the first battle of a righteous struggle for dignity in the lives of working people. We are not Jorge’s playthings, and what you are seeing around the country are millions of people standing up to loudly reject the status quo. There is so much darkness, yet there is so much hope. I am just a pitcher. Just a man with a ridiculously filthy slider. I mean no more to this movement than anyone else. For us to win, we will need mass solidarity and struggle like we have not seen in a very long time. It will not be easy. But we have no other choice. We are underdogs in this fight. But so were the Northwest Emeralds.” -Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He is very qualified to write about major societal events and stuff like that. He knows that kind of stuff too, not just baseball.
45
« on: June 17, 2020, 09:22:54 AM »
CAIRO -- You never forget your first time. Or at least that’s what I’ve heard. (I wouldn’t know). This year’s WBACS features two GM’s experiencing their first time under the WBA’s brightest lights. From the ABL come the Northwest Emeralds, a young team that had to battle for the 4 seed all the way down to the final week of the season. Victorious in the IBL were the Cairo Pharaohs, a 3 seed who took down the two-time reigning IBL champion Mumbai Cobras in the first round before beating the white-hot Rome Generals in an IBLCS that needed all 7 games to determine a winner. For Northwest GM Andy, the ABL title clearly means a great deal. “It took 19 long seasons but we never gave up belief. We knew we could win the ABL if we kept at it and kept building and we finally did it. This win means everything for the franchise. No more jokes about Andy not winning in the playoffs. We have one more series to go!” said the long-time GM.  Norbert Rhodes A deadline acquisition of surefire hall of famer Norbert “Bonehead” Rhodes proved to be just what the young Emeralds clubhouse needed. According to Andy, “Norbert provided veteran "presents" for our guys. It was like christmas. He taught the young fellas how to win the big games.” As for the Cairo Pharaohs, they are a franchise that has seen its outlook change dramatically since a change in leadership and a move from Barcelona. Under previous management, the Barcelona Bulls were known as a team that was often in the hunt, but never in the big game (get it? like hunting?). Clearly that has changed. “It's a great feeling. It's a been a long road to get this point with lots of behind the scenes moves,” said Cairo GM Kevin (Cairo). “Taking over ahead of the 2123 season, only 4 players remain on the big league roster from the previous regime. The ownership, city, and the entire African continent are extremely proud of the players and coaches for their hard work and determination. Cairo baseball is on the map!” Even some closest to the action have a hard time believing it. Acquired this season, IBLCS series MVP Raul Rivera said, "If someone told me back in June when I was sent to the other side of the world to play baseball I'd be standing here a champion with the MVP trophy in my hands I'd say nah man you're crazy."  Raul Rivera Asked to outline the keys to his team’s success, Kevin told me, “The team was put together with a balanced approach in mind. The guys were near the top of the league in pitching, hitting, and defense. The turning point for this team was shaking up the starting rotation and shuffling the lineups when the team sat around .500 at the mid-season point. Swapping Antoine Jean to the bullpen in favor of Teddy Guillou in the rotation was a nice spark to go along with the lineup shuffling. After that the team played at their peak and managed to finish the season performing at the same level as the top teams.” But the Pharaohs are not satisfied to be IBL champs only. "Our work is not done,” said star pitcher Shignenaga Matsuo following game 7, “A small celebration will commence soon and then we will immediately switch our focus to bringing home the ultimate prize, the WBACS title." With game 1 mere hours away, both managers are assessing their own locker rooms, while also studying their opponent. Asked about his team’s outlook, Kevin (Cairo) said with alarming frankess, “Northwest has an incredible lineup. It's downright scary. For Cairo to be successful we have to limit the home run ball and keep them off the base paths. Easier said than done. The Emeralds pitching staff is excellent. The only advantage we have is that our lineup hits RHP better, and the Emeralds only have one left handed pitcher. I think Northwest comes in as the slight favorite but I'm expecting a good series that could go either way.” Northwest manager Andy told us he is still pouring over the reports from the scouting department. He emphasized the importance of taking things one game at a time, a profound and novel approach, as many managers these days are tempted to take things many games at a time. "They are a good team but so are we," said Andy. "Should be a good series." In this business, a lot of writers don’t like making predictions. They tell me, “Dan, nothing good can come of it.” Well, I’ve been around this game a long time, and when you can see the future clear as I can, I figure you have a duty to share that. My prediction: the team that gets the big outs and the big hits will take home the trophy. Also, a noteworthy thing I realized after writing this article and am too lazy to make flow into the article. Both teams will be relying heavily on an infielder who started the season with the Carolina Flight. Rhodes for Northwest. Rivera for Cairo. How 'bout that?! -Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He is closely monitoring the extremely tense situation in Argentina. He is thankful that the protesters, owners, players, and all other involved parties have agreed to not do anything important while the WBACS is going on.
46
« on: June 15, 2020, 09:58:09 AM »
BUENOS AIRES -- Amidst swirling rumors, a near labor stoppage, and serious concerns about a skull-softening chemical, the Buenos Aires Dolphins were swept by the Northwest Emeralds in the first round of the playoffs. At the conclusion of the series, Lopez tweeted that he should have used replacement players, or scabs in the parlance of the players.
Dolphins faithful did not take kindly to his statement. The protests that had been raging throughout the country following Lopez's temporary decision to suspend and trade Abilio Boye have set their sights directly on Lopez's EVILCORP properties, chief among them Dolphins Stadium.
Mere hours after fans watched their Dolphins be eliminated in game 4, protesters pushed through police lines surrounding the stadium. Reports and viral videos showed police offering minimal resistance, a signal of near universal hatred for Lopez. Eventually, police fled the scene, and a crowd of at least 20,000 flooded into the stadium. A group of similar size has remained there since, living in tents and sustainably farming small subsistence crops in deep left field. Other EVILCORP properties have been similarly seized. The protesters represent the entire political spectrum in Argentina, their one uniting demand: Sell the team, Lopez.
As for the owner, he seems to have no intention to meet their demand. The bill to provide 110% of the funding his new stadium still looks poised to make it into law, but the opposition to it is growing in the halls of congress. Perhaps feeling threatened, Lopez has resumed tweeting out thinly veiled threats of moving the team. On Tuesday, he tweeted "Montevideo is just lovely this time of year! I highly recommend vacationing there, especially if you enjoy DOLPHIN-WATCHING!!!!"
The players all declined comment, even Pat Vinson, who will usually talk to me if I agree to put him as an unnamed source, but he wasn't willing to even do that.
General Manager Jake appeared somewhat torn, speaking softly and rubbing his brow, he said, "I just hope all of this finds a peaceful resolution. I am prepared to support the decisions of my employer 110%, and I hope the players can do the same."
-Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He is working on a new book Star-Struck: The Time I Met José Ríos
47
« on: June 13, 2020, 07:11:10 PM »
BUENOS AIRES -- Pandemonium spread throughout Argentina as protesters took to the street following Dolphins owner Jorge Lopez's declaration that Abilio Boye would be suspended for the remainder of the season and traded in the off-season. According to unnamed sources close to the Dolphins front office, the protesters' shock was shared by many of the club's top executives.
"Nobody knew Lopez would say something like that. Nobody can predict what he's going to do. Frankly, we were in a real bind in the front office."
The players, however, seemed less surprised. Several told me that erratic behavior was exactly what they'd come to expect from Lopez, especially when his authority had been challenged. Immediately after the press release was issued, a players only meeting was called. A vote was taken, and by a margin of 25-0, the players decided to inform the front office that they would not play if Boye didn't pitch.
The front office then scrambled to inform Lopez in a way that might lead to a peaceful resolution.
"Jake had to really stroke Lopez's ego," said one senior scouting department official. "He basically presented it to Lopez as a chance to be the hero that preserves baseball amidst a crisis. Lopez went for it. But he told Jake that he needed to issue a statement."
Jake's official statement to the media reads as follows:
"It has been unfortunate to see our team descend into nastiness and unfair attacks on Mr. Lopez. Despite being so mistreated, Mr. Lopez was so benevolent as to agree to the players' unreasonable demand that Boye pitch game 3. Playoff baseball will be played in Buenos Aires, and it is all thanks to our generous owner. However, fans and players must remember that the team is the property of Mr. Lopez, and that he holds the final say on all matters relating to the Buenos Aires Dolphins. And thank God he does!"
-Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He is in way too deep on this thing now. It has consumed him entirely.
48
« on: June 13, 2020, 12:19:21 PM »
BUENOS AIRES -- Reports of massive demonstrations are coming from in from all over Argentina. Chants of "Bo-ye" "Let him pitch" and the notably less rhythmic "2-4-6-8 no taxpayer money for the new stadium where they deploy a skull-softening chemical" have been deafening outside of The Palace of the Argentine National Congress. Videos have gone viral of Jorge Lopez being burned in effigy at several of the demonstrations.  Protest crowds outside Congress This is a situation we are continuing to monitor live on the ground. Will Boye pitch game 3? Will he be traded? Will the stadium be built? Will the team be moved? Will the skulls, like, just completely, like, turn into mush, or, like, how does that work, exactly? Like how soft do they really get? These questions and more will be answered in coming days, as so much now hangs in the balance for a Buenos Aires Dolphins club that is hours (kinda) away from hosting game one of the ABLDS vs. the Northwest Emeralds. -Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He really just wants to get on the right side of this one. Not, like, the right side of history, but, like, the right side for him on a personal and professional basis.
49
« on: June 13, 2020, 10:47:20 AM »
The following is a statement that has been sent to all of Argentina’s major media outlets including this one. It comes from Buenos Aires Dolphins owner Jorge Lopez.
What happened in Puerto Rico on Friday night is a STAIN upon the good name of this franchise. What remained of the reputation of a once-great Dolphin is now ruined. Sad! Players play the games. Owners call the shots. The Buenos Aires Dolphins are my property just as much as my toothbrush and my antique collection of The Chainsmokers albums. I can do with my property WHATEVER I see fit!! In response to Abilio threatening my life, he will be suspended for the remainder of the season and will be traded in the offseason. Thankfully this comes at a time when his best playing days are ancient history! People are even saying that Boye may have been secretly supporting his hometown Rio Jaguars this whole time. People are saying that. People are saying that very muchly lately.
50
« on: June 13, 2020, 08:02:15 AM »
BUENOS AIRES -- The Buenos Aires Dolphins will soon be playing postseason baseball for the fourth consecutive season. But this year, something is different. Of course, there are the rumors. Upset with what has been minimal legislative opposition to his new taxpayer-funded stadium, Dolphins owner Jorge Lopez has flirted with moving the team to various Latin American locales. But what is really going to be different for the Dolphins will be the man on the mound in the first inning of the first game of the playoffs. In the previous three seasons, the Dolphins have started their unquestioned ace, Abilio Boye, in game one. This year, it will be second-year phenom Manuel Reyes. Why? It’s a simple question. One which reporters ask often. Sometimes, a simple question can yield wildly different answers. Abilio Boye If one asks Buenos Aires GM Jake, the story is rather straightforward. According to him, “The decision not to rest Abilio for game one was strictly baseball. It has nothing to do with stadiums, or congress, or strip mining the Andes, or anything else. Just baseball.” Boye has struggled this season. Of that, there can be no dispute. He finished the year with an ERA (3.33) higher than any season since 2116, his first year as a full-time starting pitcher. His WAR this season (2.23) is the lowest in the same time span. But if you ask the players, a different story emerges. One player, who would prefer to remain anonymous, said, “The Boye decision is revenge. Pure and simple. And it comes straight from Lopez. When Abilio heard about the stadium thing, and he saw the tweets, and you (Dan Farnell) asked him about it, he said “‘We’ll see about all that.”” Well, from what I heard Lopez didn’t like that quote much at all.” Another player who also opted for anonymity corroborated Pat Vinson’s account, saying “I believe Lopez told Jake not to start him. I believe it was retaliation.” As for Boye, the man in the middle of the diamond and all the drama, he declined official comment once it became clear he would not be starting game one. But on Friday night in San Juan, Puerto Rico, the pitcher’s actions spoke louder than words. With his team sitting on 99 wins, Boye was tapped to start against a Puerto Rico Coqui club with which he famously brawled last season. Boye threw a stellar 8 innings of 1-run, 2-hit ball. But it was the hurler’s bat that made the biggest impression. In the 4th inning, with his Dophins leading 2-1, Boye got a fastball from Miguel Lopez that he did not miss. The ball was gone when it left the bat. But Boye was not. Some hitters will stare at a home-run, admiring its flight. It’s much rarer, perhaps even unprecedented, for a hitter to turn his attention away from the ball’s trajectory and toward his owner’s seat just outside the luxury suites behind home plate of the Ballpark of San Juan. When the ball landed, Boye pointed directly at Jorge Lopez, then he used his thumb as a blade and made an unmistakable motion left to right across his throat. He then sprinted around the bases before stomping on home plate. Boye would return to the mound in the following frame and would exit five scoreless, no-hit, and nearly perfect innings later. The only baserunner that Boye surrendered in the five innings that followed his home run was a walk in the 7th to Jesus Contreras. Asked after the game about the incident, Boye said only, “Like I said, we’re gonna just have to wait and see. We’re gonna have to just wait and see.” Cryptically, the star pitcher declined further comment. -Dan Farnell
Dan Farnell is the beat writer for the Buenos Aires Dolphins. He is also the author of the best-selling lifestyle manual Oh Jeez, This One Looks Like It Could Get Dicey: A Guide to Avoiding Conflict. He is currently sweating profusely.
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